howdoyousolveaproblemlikemalia:

The miles between us,

No matter how many it may be,

Will never be a reason

For me not to love you,

For you not to love me

You are still right where you have always been, in my heart.

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour? Or is happiness a little more like knocking on your door, and you just let it in?
Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go, but you are gone- not for good but for now. Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good.
Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard. Happiness was never mine to hold. Careful child, light the fuse and get away, cause happiness throws a shower of sparks.
Happiness damn near destroys you, breaks your faith to pieces on the floor.
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now, happiness has a violent roar.
Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home.
Home, home, home.

I am frightful of what is to come. So afraid that I can feel my heart hesitating before each and every beat. Do I want to continue without you? I am sure we both can answer that. I want to scream, scream so loud so that maybe you can hear me from where you are! I feel like I am fading away each and everyday I am forced to be unsure of what it is you want from me. I wish you would read this tonight and know that I am not alright. I know you won’t, and again I’ll have to settle with laying here in this cold bed alone. You’re so busy that I doubt you can even feel the void anymore that I do. I hope one day you read this and know how much you mean to me and how I would do anything to make this work, I just hope that this one day isn’t too late. I feel as though I have experienced a loss in my life so horrible that it is killing me, seeing your name pop up in my phone every once in a while just isn’t making it better.This pain is unbearable and everyday it grows little by little attacking a new organ effecting me physically. That fake smile, yeah you know which one, well I’ve been wearing the same once since I’ve stopped being able to call you mine. Everyday I wake up without you and every night I go to sleep without you, I have to face that you are gone. You are further than ever no matter how close you may be to me at night, and I am still trying to just show you and remind you that I still exist. I’m starting to let my tears turn into the fear that you may never come back, and its hard trying to do this alone but our love is enough for me. I don’t know how to get you to want to fight for me, and you may not know it but I am fighting with everything I have in me to just stay around. I’m not okay with how things are and I know that I’ll continue to live this way until I have you again. When every love song reminds me of you, brings tears to my eyes; when every love movie reminds me of us, and makes me break down.. I’m not over this. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to move on and let another person fill only part of a void that only you can fulfill in my life. I don’t want to run away, I don’t want to push you away and have to fend for myself on this soulless planet when I know I belong with you and only you. I know I am battered and bruised, have imperfections from the inside out defining me more than ever. But I am me, and I am starting to wonder if that is even good enough for you now. I feel as though each and every sentence I have said in this is contradicting but I will attempt to portray my feelings as best as I can. My heart knows where it belongs, no one can convince me elsewhere. It is just my mind, with your actions, has me pulling the opposite direction. I have felt misguided with current events leading me to a fork in the road and I am waiting on a sign from you on which direction to turn. I wish I understood, I wish I knew you like I used to because maybe then your actions would be more predictable but I am at a loss trying to determine where to go from here and I am sure you are just as lost as I am. Neither of us want to hurt, cause hurt, or end up back at where we are now so I know we must be very cautious with how we approach this. Part of me wishes we were back in high school meeting the very first time, I wish I had all of that back. Unfortunately I know I wouldn’t be half the woman I am today without having gone through what we have, including  the hurt and pain. I wouldn’t have fought for something so long and hard that I felt to be only one sided. I know our love is one of a kind and our hearts are connected in a way clearly inseparable. Maybe what we share is too overwhelming, so intoxicating that we just get too caught up in the feelings that we forget how important maintaining a relationship is. I know we would get it right if we had another try. I know I am a better person for you now than I have ever been, and I have improved the aspects that I know I lacked before. I guess that’s something that I just hope you get to find out for yourself one day because I realize now how little words mean without actions backing them up.To end it on this, I miss you and when I say miss I mean everything about you. I am going to try to get some sleep tonight with hopes we can really meet and talk, but I am so scared of what I’ll hear. I’ll do everything I can to hold myself together but no promises. Goodnight Adrienne, wherever you are I hope you are safe and are given many reasons to smile. It just isn’t the same without you, when this life was made for us two. I love you, and am ever so in love with you but if those words scare you away, I’ll still be here fighting to stay.

I don’t think forever would be long enough to love you but I’m going to put all my love into this, into us and into you that I possibly can. I’ll love with all of my heart and only hope you do the same so that neither of us have to live wondering what if, and we can instead live happily ever after, together. 

As the moonlight illuminates the streets tonight it is though everything that is usually dim has become so bright. When you went astray subtle details observed in nature washed away or maybe it was just that everything beautiful began to fade leaving the world so cold and grey. The world is only beautiful with your existence intertwined with my own and that’s something we have yet outgrown. I haven’t slept well in a countless amount of weeks and I blame that on the amount my mind speaks. I lay awake counting each and every star, thinking back to all the times we would do that together and it’s reopening the scar. I miss your fingertips, how they would get wide on the ends and you would be tempted to hide them to avoid being teased by your friends. No matter how they are shaped they fit mine, and I’m trying harder than you know to just be fine. I love the deep evergreen forest I find in your eyes every time you look my way, it captivates me but I’m having trouble making it today.Your cold feet at night..:’( I’m not alright. Thinking of you in these ways brings me to tears because we are more than just a few years. I have yet been able to think of you without a sadness coming over me so dark, I belong with you I just don’t know where to start. I can’t promise I will be able to conquer this one, but God knows I am trying a ton. I can only hope and pray that I won’t always have to feel this way, and that I can one day do whatever it takes to make you want to stay. Please come back into my life and make everything right, because it takes everything in me to be without you tonight. Does it scare you that I have forgotten the feel of your lips?.. How about the feel of my hands around your hips?.. I want these memories back and I’ll take the good and the bad and everything in between to get this love back on track. I love you more with each and every minute of everyday and I believe and trust that our love will somehow find a way. Adrienne I miss everything about you. I miss us and this may be tempting to say but I can’t go another day. I’ll meet you in my dreams for now..and hope to have you next to me soon, falling into slumber and waking to that smile that takes more than my breath away, it’s a work of art. Goodnight sweetheart.

The burning in my chest will not let me rest and I’m determined to find the source tonight. I can take the aching but I can’t promise it’ll be for long, you are afraid to give up on that one something that makes me incapable of being strong. It is the cause of my stomach sinking and reason for the fear to my soul, but despite it all I won’t let you go. Let me be very clear, there isn’t a moment that I wish you weren’t here. It’s hard to fathom that we have been apart for all this time, when I’d do absolutely anything to make you mine. When I say mine I don’t mean posses you, I simply mean to be apart of your life once again in a way like we did back then. What we share now is far more mature than what we have experienced before, we aren’t the same ole kids in high school that everyone used to adore. With our maturity and hardships we’ve grown into different people but the one thing that does remain the same is that you are the only one for me; my everything, and that’ll never change.

myinkstainedheart:

Hemingway said “There is nothing to writing, all you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed”. Some have criticized the metaphor and said to use “bleed” is to suggest eventually one will bleed out, that it foretells the inevitable end but when I bleed, you take in what I give just as I take what flows from your veins into your pens and this leave me optimistic we won’t bleed out. This is like a multiple blood transfusion going on and on.

I will bleed out every word until everything I need to say is heard.

I am having trouble sleeping tonight, it’s all the things left unsaid that are haunting me. Maybe I didn’t say all the things, but I’ve never been good at that. When I’m with you my heart is on a runaway train with a mind juggling thoughts and spitting out whatever I can catch. I fear that maybe I said things, just not the right ones to keep you here. I have my eyes, my mind, my heart on one thing and even if I’ve lost focus before, it is so very clear to me what I gotta do. Prove my trust, give you space, and just be here ready when you are. I’m not in a rush to go anywhere, I wanna start back at the beginning at a pace of a tortoise to declare that you out of all people deserve admirational respect. If it takes sleeping alone at night for a few more months, if it takes not talking to you or seeing you, I’ll do whatever it takes to give you the space you need to be ready. I know our love is all we need to live in love happily for several lifetimes. You are the only one for me, you will always be. And I miss you.

I’ve been lost in life, had my life torn to pieces along with the heart in my chest but not once have I placed someone into the place where only you belong. I’ve expected everyone to be just like you, forcing the love I had with you on them but we both know it just isn’t the same. No one can compare to you or take your place, even when we were at our worst. Even at the bottom and at the end of it all, our love and how we felt triumphed everything negative. But we spiraled out of control and hit rock bottom and blamed it on each other instead of taking responsibility for the things we caused on our own. We became selfish individuals instead of realizing then what we really know now. There is no other place I belong and sadly it may have taken me this long to realize it. Now, all I can do I pray for another chance to be with you in this lifetime, and not have to wait till the next.
As unrealistic as this sounds, I know that even after my time is done on this planet my heart and soul will always belong to one person. No matter how many times I’ve hurt, and ached and breaked, I’m here more certain than ever that this is what I want to fight for.
I know at night, all the nights we’ve spent apart, that you could feel my heart crying out for you because I felt yours calling out for me. There is something about us that is completely illogical and doesn’t make sense to anyone but us. How we always get the typical question, “how can you want someone who hurt you so much?” but I just laugh now knowing that I would do anything to have the love and passion I did for you to actually fight like that again. I miss the fights because I swear to you I would go back now just to feel that love, even when it hurt because I haven’t felt anything like that sense. I find myself only feeling when I am consumed with all the memories and thoughts of you, some sad because God I miss you, some mad because I wish it were me who had you, and some happy because I am lucky to have ever felt what I did being yours, and some just hoping to one day have all of that back again. I’ve lived numb without you, unable to feel because no one will ever mean to me as much as you do.